i wanted to write something about my uncle, because he just passed away yesterday, but everything i started sounded so trite and my feelings for him were so complicated, i just couldn't seem to get anything down.
uncle jon had his problems and before you say don't we all?, i feel like i should clarify that he was an alcoholic and a second- or third-offense-drug-bust felon. there was a criminal threatening charge and more that hasn't and probably won't ever come to light. in recent years he was unnecessarily and almost nonsensically belligerent in social settings.
but before you write him off as a bad guy, know that he was a huge presence in my life. we used to play-wrestle all the time as grownups even. he became the cartoon characters he imitated and he seemed as happy to be imitating them as i was to be watching him. once on a camping trip when i couldn't sleep and he was the only one left out at the fire i threw little pebbles at his shoes and when he caught me i went out to the fire and we just sat there staring into the flames side-by-side in silence. he taught me to golf, but more like he taught me how to enjoy golf. and i don't play anymore, in part because i lost the youthful exuberance that is necessary to draw nourishment from the sport. jon though never lost it, i could still play golf with him long after i turned my back on the game, his enthusiasm was contagious. the man would kill a bottle of vodka or pear brandy or whatever-the-alcohol-du-jo
(and the pear brandy one time had a pear in the bottle, like someone put the bottle on the bough of a tree and the pear grew inside of it and that idea just lit jon right up. and there were flashes of light even in the darkness.)
he owned a curious mind and he had the means and arguably the will to indulge himself in any way he desired and that was a dangerous combination. when i was at a loss for describing what he meant to me, a conversation with my cousin lead me to the revelation that jon was in some strange sense a martyr, and not that he wanted to be or maybe not that he knew he would be, but here was a man who tried everything that we think might bring us pleasure and let us watch what happened. he showed us that pleasure and happiness are not the same.
there is a super-hero in "the watchmen" called the comedian, who acts out society's worst impulses at their logical extremes and it isn't because he wants to be doing it, it is his way of giving back to society by shedding light on all the terrible shit that we do on a daily basis and never think twice about, by making us pay attention to what we are doing and how it affects other people.
and jon played a similar role in the lives of my family, he wasn't intentionally hurting others, but his pursuit of pleasure left a tangible emptiness in him and people were hurt incidentally along the way. and who's to say he didn't plan it this way or at least understand the role he was playing? the man did everything we think we might want to do, everything we think might make us feel good and we all benefitted from seeing the results.
he gave us someone onto whom we could project our own problems, he wasn't a scapegoat exactly, but we would point out negative aspects of jon's behavior or lifestyle that the we were noticing in our selves, noticing in each other. it was easier to feel like we could make a change that way, that we had to make a change.
i loved him furiously though he was flawed and unhappy, but he showed just enough love, just enough wit and charm, he was engaged just enough to make everyone feel like he could change. maybe he understood the role he had to play or maybe alcohol just got the best of him, but he didn't change.
and here is what i know to be the truth: i brought a budding rose in from my back yard and put it in a wine bottle full of water right before i heard that uncle jon had died and it hasn't bloomed and i don't think it is going to, but when i round the corner into my dining room with my breakfast, i am still happy to see it.
uncle jon had his problems and before you say don't we all?, i feel like i should clarify that he was an alcoholic and a second- or third-offense-drug-bust felon. there was a criminal threatening charge and more that hasn't and probably won't ever come to light. in recent years he was unnecessarily and almost nonsensically belligerent in social settings.
but before you write him off as a bad guy, know that he was a huge presence in my life. we used to play-wrestle all the time as grownups even. he became the cartoon characters he imitated and he seemed as happy to be imitating them as i was to be watching him. once on a camping trip when i couldn't sleep and he was the only one left out at the fire i threw little pebbles at his shoes and when he caught me i went out to the fire and we just sat there staring into the flames side-by-side in silence. he taught me to golf, but more like he taught me how to enjoy golf. and i don't play anymore, in part because i lost the youthful exuberance that is necessary to draw nourishment from the sport. jon though never lost it, i could still play golf with him long after i turned my back on the game, his enthusiasm was contagious. the man would kill a bottle of vodka or pear brandy or whatever-the-alcohol-du-jo
(and the pear brandy one time had a pear in the bottle, like someone put the bottle on the bough of a tree and the pear grew inside of it and that idea just lit jon right up. and there were flashes of light even in the darkness.)
he owned a curious mind and he had the means and arguably the will to indulge himself in any way he desired and that was a dangerous combination. when i was at a loss for describing what he meant to me, a conversation with my cousin lead me to the revelation that jon was in some strange sense a martyr, and not that he wanted to be or maybe not that he knew he would be, but here was a man who tried everything that we think might bring us pleasure and let us watch what happened. he showed us that pleasure and happiness are not the same.
there is a super-hero in "the watchmen" called the comedian, who acts out society's worst impulses at their logical extremes and it isn't because he wants to be doing it, it is his way of giving back to society by shedding light on all the terrible shit that we do on a daily basis and never think twice about, by making us pay attention to what we are doing and how it affects other people.
and jon played a similar role in the lives of my family, he wasn't intentionally hurting others, but his pursuit of pleasure left a tangible emptiness in him and people were hurt incidentally along the way. and who's to say he didn't plan it this way or at least understand the role he was playing? the man did everything we think we might want to do, everything we think might make us feel good and we all benefitted from seeing the results.
he gave us someone onto whom we could project our own problems, he wasn't a scapegoat exactly, but we would point out negative aspects of jon's behavior or lifestyle that the we were noticing in our selves, noticing in each other. it was easier to feel like we could make a change that way, that we had to make a change.
i loved him furiously though he was flawed and unhappy, but he showed just enough love, just enough wit and charm, he was engaged just enough to make everyone feel like he could change. maybe he understood the role he had to play or maybe alcohol just got the best of him, but he didn't change.
and here is what i know to be the truth: i brought a budding rose in from my back yard and put it in a wine bottle full of water right before i heard that uncle jon had died and it hasn't bloomed and i don't think it is going to, but when i round the corner into my dining room with my breakfast, i am still happy to see it.
Wow. That was very well written. Sorry to hear bout uncle Jon.
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